I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
