I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
