I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
