I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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