I can tuck mytits in my pants
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
