The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
