New low: just hacked my moms facebook
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
