a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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