I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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