You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
