i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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