My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
