dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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