I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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