make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
