She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
