You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
