I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
