I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
