I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
My liver just had a heart attack.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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