I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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