my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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