i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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