Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Randomize
