im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
