Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
