I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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