Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
