I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Less talking, more tequila
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
