# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
