dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
