Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Less talking, more tequila
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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