I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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