we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
