I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
