Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
