I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
