it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
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She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
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I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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