Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
