her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
