I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
