help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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