dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Randomize
