i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I want to walk on stilts...naked
we're chasing vodka with high fives
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
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