Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
