She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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