walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
