are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
