This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
