i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
