finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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