I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
