my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Randomize
