you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
