So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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